


you can be the outcast or-

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Sex, M/M, Memories, On the Helicarrier, post winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:26:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're supposed to be discreet, give him the illusion of privacy and freedom but everyone knows it's a lie. They're just waiting for this all to turn out to be a lie, some Department X con.</p>
<p>He should turn around and go back inside, because if they're right, he might shove Steve over the side. But he doesn't want them to be right. He's desperate to be Bucky Barnes again.</p>
<p>So he makes his way over to the edge and sits down beside Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can be the outcast or-

Bucky finds Steve on the Helicarrier deck. The wind pulls at his hair, for once not gelled into place and allowed to fall where it wants. He sits close to the edge, staring out at the sky. He can feel his glorified babysitter slash security detail watching him. They're supposed to be discreet, give him the illusion of privacy and freedom but everyone knows it's a lie. They're just waiting for this all to turn out to be a lie, some Department X con.

He should turn around and go back inside, because if they're right, he might shove Steve over the side. But he doesn't want them to be right. He's desperate to be Bucky Barnes again.

So he makes his way over to the edge and sits down beside Steve.

"Hi."

Steve looks at him as if he can't quite believe he's there until he starts to wonder if maybe it would have been best to stay inside. "Hi yourself," Steve finally says. "It's good to see you outside."

"Yea, I uh-" He ducks his head, not sure why he's so tongue tied. Steve smiles, slow and wide. He looks like a kid. 

"I missed you," Steve says, not pushing Bucky to finish the sentence. He looks away from him, down at the notebook clutched in his lap. "Tried to connect with other people. There's uh- there's a nice guy who lives across the hall from me. And Natasha isn't bad but she has all these rules. I didn't- no one was you Buck."

Bucky slides forward and if anyone asks it's just to hear Steve better. They fit together like no time has passed. Like they're just two kids trying to figure out a war. They still are, it's just not the same war they died fighting. One of his legs behind Steve's back, the other bent at the knee over Steve's legs, Steve has a hand braced behind Bucky's stretched out leg. He tucks the sketchbook under one of his legs and rests his hand on Bucky's bent knee.

"I needed you here," Steve says, voice almost stolen by the wind.

"I-"

"No, don't be. I needed you, never had to live alone like that before but it wasn't like you missed an appointment." He smiles and there's nothing in the world but them. "Maybe it was good for me. But I hated it."

Bucky licks his lips nervously. He wishes they were inside, so he can touch Steve how he wants when they had moments of privacy away from the war and the troops. "Do you have rooms on this boat?"

"Not exactly, but I know where the guest quarters are." Steve's eyes slide away to Bucky's guard. "Think they'll mind?" Bucky doesn't look at them and instead stares at the notebook, half hidden under Steve's thigh. There are half sketches of a battle which Bucky only knows from documents and video recordings. Steve follows his gaze down at it and presses closer to Bucky. Not to hide the notebook, just to touch. "Remember when Dugan challenged me to an arm wrestling match just to see how strong I was? And I almost broke his arm?"

"Who could forget?"

Steve's hand moves to curl around the back of his neck, squeezing gently. "I had no control then. Fuck, I was scared to touch you for the first few weeks. If I broke you after just finding you-"

"You don't need to worry about that anymore." He leans into Steve's touch, inviting him to touch how he wants. Steve grins, and he's so close. He's so close and Bucky can't. He ducks his head, to look away from Steve and his smile. "I slept with someone else," he blurts out before he can swallow the words again.

"Bucky-"

"No, let me." It's easier to talk out in the open like this, where he can pretend that the wind is carrying away his words before Steve can hear. "And not just Natasha. There was - They decided to give me a male partner for a job. And for our cover, and just because I wanted to, I fucked him. He looked kind of like you, tall and blond."

"Sounds like you have good taste."

"Just like that?"

"I'll tell you over and over that I'm here for you. And it wasn't like I was alive and kicking." They're close enough they could kiss and they're being watched by more then just Bucky's babysitters. They never kissed with an audience before. They would stand too close and hands would linger longer then exactly appropriate, but kissing was a line they knew never to cross.

"Fuck you," Bucky breathes. "Let me feel guilty for something."

"No, cause then you'd never stop." Steve looks so pleased with himself, like the first day he brought home some pocket change from working at Mr. O'Donell's drug store and when the first magazine bought one of his drawings. It's that smile that makes Bucky decide to finally cross the line and lean forward to kiss him. Steve smiles against his lips, his hand moving to curl in his hair. "Took you long enough."

"You are such a manipulative ass."

Everyone is staring at them now but Steve just laughs. "Don't tell anyone, it's a secret."

"Secret? How the fuck is that a secret?" He presses closer to Steve, just to defy all the looks. Everything from amusement to confusion to disgust. "You got them all fooled, don't you."

"They must be blinded by the stars and stripes." Steve takes in a breath, giving the impression he's going to say something else but then he's kissing Bucky. "So, that room?" Steve murmurs when it ends.

"Yes. Please." They untangle easily, years of practice coming back easily to them. Bucky picks up the sketchbook and Steve's arm settles heavily over his shoulders. They can see that the guard is not sure how to proceed. They were briefed for what to do if Bucky Barnes was a sleeper agent or if he wasn't a sleeper agent and just talking with Steve Rogers, but no one told them what to do if Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes decided to find a private room together.

So no one stops them or interrupts. They have hours with no one but each other, maybe they're all scared of what they'll find their icon doing with another man. Bucky can feel in the way that Steve touches him, that his memories are still fresh. Only a few months have passed to him, a year at most, while Bucky has to fumble and relearn instead of simply remember. But Steve goes slow, letting Bucky relearn. 

Bucky pushes him onto his back and straddles him, planning on taking his time with each touch. He remembers Steve's notebook, the loose way Steve creates lines that somehow all fit together. He traces the lines of muscles under Steve's skin, over and around. Trying to pretend he's drawing Steve, turning him into a work of art. Steve's hands rest on his hips, large and gentle, hiding all the power behind them. His eyes are closed, head tilted back.

Trusting Bucky.

He leans down to kiss his lips and his neck. "You're the only person here to trust me," he whispers, voice catching with emotion. Pain and hurt and love.

"Natasha vouched for you."

"But she's not alone with me in a room right now." It would be so easy and they both know it. Even a super soldier's neck is still only flesh. Instead he presses another kiss there, finding Steve's pulse and just feeling each steady beat. Steve's moan is low and needy and Bucky remembers he still has so much to relearn.

He moves slowly down Steve's chest, lingering over an old scar from when Steve was twelve and couldn't get out of the way of a switchblade in time and another scar further down from falling into a mirror. Steve's hand clenches in his hair, body already vibrating in anticipation, knowing where Bucky's going. He still gasps in surprise at the first touch to his cock.

It's a rush, knowing he can still make Steve react, make his body arch up seeking out more. Bucky wants to hold back, relearn each sound, burn it into his brain so he can't forget again. His reminders that he's Bucky Barnes and no one else. But Steve's hips move in insistent thrusts and to deny him anything feels cruel.

Bucky reminds himself that they have time now. He's going to cling to this life with his fingernails and teeth if he has to. He's not leaving Steve again. So he dips his head to give Steve the release he wants. Listening to him as he comes reminds Bucky of sneaky away into tents and hotel rooms, of a tiny apartment that they could call their own.

"I want to go home," he whispers against Steve's thigh.

"I know." He runs his fingers through Bucky's hair, letting him decide when he wants to move. "We'll get you there."

Bucky looks up at him and wishes he had a way to recreate the way Steve looks right then. The soft curve of his lips and the skinny kid Bucky can still see under the muscle. "You never needed me, did you." It hits him hard, that Steve could have gotten here with Bucky. Could have spent the last year living his life without some old memory holding him back.

"Hm? Always needed you." Steve frowns and brushes his fingers over Bucky's cheek. "Always. Needed you to keep me grounded. Woulda lost my head in the clouds without you." He lets Steve tug him back up so they're face to face. "You're back, stop being a grouch."

"Can't, it's in my make up."

Steve hand curls around him, reminding him that he still hasn't come. It makes his breath catch in his throat. He doesn't fight, doesn't want to fight and just clings to Steve. Steve trusts him and it's only fair to return the favor.

The guards are still outside when they leave, clothes rumpled and hair a mess. Bucky had tried to smooth Steve's hair back to it's usual neat coif. He failed, but at least he put in a good effort. The guards look uncomfortable but one gives them a thumbs up and Bucky feels a little more secure slipping his hand into Steve's.

"So what now, Cap?" He asks. The guards fall into step behind them, little things haven't changed yet.

"I don't know, maybe go save the world. Get some dinner." His thumb brushes over Bucky's knuckles and he can feel the calluses there, old and new. Steve has a worker's hands. Even when they were small, they had a strength in them that Bucky admired.

"Is that a date, Steve?"

The deck is buzzing with activity when they reach it and someone pauses long enough to gesture for Steve to follow. Bucky wants to hang back but Steve doesn't loosen his grip, giving him no choice. "Looks like we have to save the world first."

"Sounds like a date to me!" He says over the noise. He glances back at his guards. "Think they'll let us go?" He addresses them directly for the first time.

It's the one who gave him the thumbs up who answers him. "Hope so sir, you're pretty boring to guard. Haven't tried to even give Captain Rogers a papercut!"

Bucky grins, deciding he likes that one best, maybe he should get to know them better.

Walking into the war room with everyone gathered, he expects someone to point at him, tell him he doesn't belong and the guards to drag him out. Throw him back into his cell until Steve's back. He can already picture Steve's disappointed but resigned expression. So he stands a little straighter, trying to show that he belongs here. And if he doesn't believe it himself, he'll fake it until he does believe it.

The second Fury's eyes meet his, he can't breathe, waiting for the axe he knows is coming. Today has been too good.

Then Fury looks away and calls the meeting to order.

It's not trust. Trust is in the way Steve's hand grips his and the memory of his neck under his lips. But this, being allowed in here, it's something.

**Author's Note:**

> one day i will clear out my wip folder. today isn't this day, but it's a start


End file.
